(via blogsecret)

loveandcigarettes:

Amidst my packing, I came across the painting you made for me, the one you promised to make me 6 years ago. The one that took forever to make, but meant the world to us. You called it our only connection, the only thing that held us together when everything went wrong, when it was the world against you and I. I can feel it now.. the love you placed into it. The strokes you used to carve out the path that was meant to be taken by you and I. The splatters you made, in honor of the piece I so very much admired. The handprints you left for me to touch when I needed you by my side. And of course, we can’t forget the stars. Your stars. I used to laugh at the painting, not really thinking anything special about it. But now I can see it. I can see what it represents, and how hard you tried to show me.

And now that I do, I think I need to rid myself of it.

You were my everything. You were the air I needed to breathe, the pulse my heart needed to live, every sense of me had to be connected to you somehow. Nobody could take my attention from you. Nobody captivated me the way you had. Even though we were young, you were my husband and I was your wife. That was the promise we made to each other; no one else would come close to what we shared, and nothing would break that.

I loved you more than absolutely everything in this world. But when you’re young, sometimes little things do become too great for love to withstand, and we parted ways. But you didn’t make it easy for me. You never made anything easy on me, and letting me go was no different. I wanted to prove I was strong without you. I didn’t want to give into your charm for the millionth time.

But you never really left me alone; and I never really stayed away from you. So when you decided to act upon your feelings, I never resisted you. I never said no; I let you have your way with me as if I was yours again, but since I knew I truly wasn’t, I still had the upper hand. I had the advantage over you. You loved me and could only have me when I decided.

Oh how things changed. Because as time passed, I let myself become vulnerable again. I let myself become a part of you again. I allowed myself to drown in your “love”. I let the broken promises take hold of me once again, and this time I was unrelenting in making you mine again. Something took over me; I couldn’t live without your kisses, I couldn’t resist your smile. I needed you by my side again, and you made it clear that I was yours and only yours.

But you weren’t only mine. I wasn’t everything you wanted; I was everything you needed, but your desire for me had faded. I wasn’t beautiful, pretty, hot enough. I wasn’t head-turning enough. I wasn’t fly enough. I wasn’t skinny enough. I wasn’t fun enough. I was ME, the girl you loved, the girl you called your wife, the girl you wanted to spend your life with. But I wasn’t the girl you wanted to bring around, show new things to, show what your love was, because I already knew what your love was.

And because I already knew everything you were, you didn’t want to let me in on you were becoming. And I had to understand that you wanted new things, and that you needed me to wait.

You wanted to belong to someone else, yet I could belong to no other. And I became so blinded by your “love” that I decided I would abide by your rules. Because I loved you. Because I wanted to be the everything you used to see in me.

I had wanted to prove I was strong, and yet I lost myself. I lost myself in wanting to get you back. I became lost in my desperation. Everyone saw a different girl, and yet all I wanted was to be your girl. Cigarettes consumed my lungs, and I clung onto them for breathing. Each inhale I took in had the nicotine I so badly needed that kept me sane from the thought of losing you. Each exhale of smoke helped me feel alive, thinking I could hold on for just that much longer. My cigarettes kept me warm when my heart started to turn cold.

Alcohol became just as necessary as my cigarettes. Hand in hand they went, and my first year in college was consumed with drunken nights, masking the pain I held from not being able to sleep with you at night. I became the girl I thought you had wanted; the one that EVERYONE wanted. I flirted with other guys to make you jealous. I gave guys my all thinking that if someone else had a part of me, you’d understand how important it was that you may lose me.

I lost myself and became someone I resent. And now all I have are memories of “I don’t remember”s and a list of men I can’t believe I let have me.

It’d be so easy to blame you just about now. But I can only blame you for the broken promises. Everything else.. sure it’s the aftermath, but I’m a grown woman. I’m stronger than I think, and maybe I can thank you for that. I wish I could erase the nights I cried. The nights I sat in the halls, beating the walls until my hands bled. The nights when dying felt like the smartest way away from it all. The nights I drowned myself in packs of cigarettes until I coughed my lungs out. The nights where I let meaningless men take something precious from me, thinking it was the only way I could escape you.

And then God gave me a wake up call. I couldn’t use you as an excuse for my reckless behavior anymore. But I needed to rid you of my life.

You’re no longer my best. You’re no longer my love. You’re no longer my everything. I can’t picture you as the man I’d meet at the altar. The father of my kids has no face; it used to always be you. I can’t picture you by my side, and I’m okay with that. I don’t hate you, but I just don’t love you anymore. The person I love existed 5 years ago. He left the day I let you go, and someone new took over. Nowadays when you tell me you still love me, still want to call me your wife, your everything, my heart doesn’t budge. My stomach doesn’t flutter when I see you smile, if I see you smile. You’ve finally become someone new to me, someone I still cared about, but someone strange to my love. I was done seeing the old you and I finally accepted you for who you were. Only this time, you became the old you.. and it was too late.

So this is what I want for the new year; goodbye to M & M always, goodbye to the dream of our kids, and to your blue Type-S, and my white one, of course, with the 03 body. Goodbye to our dog, the one we promised we’d buy together and raise along with our kids. Goodbye to sleeping on my side of the bed. Goodbye to everything. Maybe you can still your kids who mommy was “supposed” to be, but mine won’t hear the same. They’ll hear about mommy’s first love and first heartbreak, as a lesson for them to grow so they’d never go through such pain.

And so, I need to say goodbye to your painting. Your letters and cards and such, they all tell me of your love. But this painting, now that I can see it for everything that it is, for everything it represented, for everything you promised, I can’t hold onto it any longer. Thank you for loving me when you did, and for hurting me the way you did.

I wasn’t lying when I told you I was forever grateful for you. You showed me the most important love I’d ever need, and that’s the love for myself. So thank you for finally allowing me to let you go. It took 6 years, but like I said, you never made anything easy for me.

monsta:

(via jujuyub)